here i am.

i can’t resist you

hey, missy.
i didn’t know you too well. but, from what i’ve heard, you were an amazing girl. uncle brad told mom that i reminded him of you. he said it was because i was tall, beautiful, and athletic just like you. from all the pictures i’ve seen of you, everyone was telling the truth. your smile was the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen. you were absolutely gorgeous. a lot of people must’ve loved you because they all showed up at your funeral that day. brad and jon must be amazing brothers. they cried that day. and even though we didn’t spend a lot of time together, i cried for you. i cried because i’d never get that chance. i cried because everyone but me did. i cried for uncle brad, aunt rose, jonny, brad jr., and especially jessie because they were so hurt. jessie showed up that day. she was messed up. but, she has a beautiful baby girl now. i think you helped jessie get better. she came back to uncle brad after you helped her. you know what? you helped me too. who knows what i’d be doing right now if it weren’t for you. you taught me an amazing lesson that no one else could’ve taught me. thank you. i love and miss you. tell grandma knorr that i love her with all my heart. i know you’re in good hands because you’re with her. you’re with her, in God’s hands now. i love you missy

you are an amazing person.
you’re perfect for me.
everything i’ve ever wanted.
and then, i reveal my true self.
i tell you my true identity.
am i that bad?
why can’t i be normal?
age is just a number.
it doesn’t determine who i am,
or what i do,
or who i can or cannot be with.
inside,
i am unique.
i thought i proved to you that i wasn’t the sterotypical “jailbait.”
but, you still rub it in my face.
it hurts to know the only thing you care about is whether or not i’m 18.
i cared about you.
and you cared about me too.
and then you left.
because i’m 16.
i cared.
who am i kidding?
i care.

friends? yeah.. i used to have some of those. it’s been a while since we’ve hung out and gotten together. you must’ve forgotten about me..

i guess i did something wrong.
i guess i’m not perfect.
i guess i’m too judgemental.
i guess i’m over protective.
i guess we’re not friends anymore.
i know i’m beyond upset.

i wish you could see how angry/upset/sad/depressed you make me feel.

i feel hatred and disgust towards all of you. i really do hate you..

if only you could see this and realize. my friends made my life worth living. and now? you don’t text, you don’t invite me, we barely talk. all 4 of you. it’s like life is saying, “HEY! let’s see how many friends of hers we can fuck away!”

story of my fucking life.

friends?
you aren’t my friends.
friends love each other, see each other, be with each other.
you aren’t my friends.
friends don’t abandon friends.
you aren’t my friends.
i fucking hate you.